Thoughts on "The Journey of Desire" (Part 02)

After I got off the phone last night with the most recent church to give me bad news in my search for a youth pastor’s position, I did something that I've been doing a lot in recent months. I got rip-roaring mad. I was not angry with the church. I was not angry with the committee. No, I was angry at God.

I had had just about enough. Every time it’s seemed that I was about to finally move up in life to the next level, one where I can actually have a job that will allow me to support myself and not have to live with my parents, it’s been like something gets in the way. Or, I guess I should say, Someone. Yes, as my mind remembers back to The Journey of Desire, I recall a chapter that Eldredge entitled "The Divine Thwarter," which is a section of the book that the author devotes to the thwarting action of God. Basically, the idea is this: we seek after things in life to find fullness of life in them, and God does everything in His power to thwart our success in gaining them. Eldredge tells a story of his continuous attempts to plan a fishing weekend where he would be able to enjoy the outdoors and wilderness while he did a little fly-fishing. He recounts the numerous times he attempted to take this trip when sudden snowstorms, mudslides, and the unexplained absence of fish ruined his plans. He likened it to a game of chess that he was playing with God—a game where he ultimately saw himself facing checkmate. It was as if God was purposely trying to keep him from enjoying a fishing trip. When I first read that chapter, I thought to myself, "Why does God have to be like that? I mean, really, how is going on a fishing trip harming him spiritually? Why can’t He just let him have it?" And, even more specifically to my situation, "How in the world can attaining a youth pastor's position, and with it my independence, not be something good that God would want me to get? Why can’t He just let me have it?"

I had been angry all day long, at times seething even, that God was thwarting my plans yet again. I actually considered going back to school to get my teaching certificate in history, since I wasn't sure I could go into the ministry and lead people into a relationship with a God who is out to do anything He can to deny me the life I desire. My anger with God had been steadily growing over the weeks, months, and even years of what I had perceived to be His purposely keeping me from the things I wanted most in life. And, after last night's phone call, I finally let loose and put all the blame where I knew it belonged for all those years of failure to attain the things I so greatly longed for. Not on Satan, but on God Himself.

Then, it was as if a light went on. It was like the Holy Spirit suddenly made it click in my heart. Whereas before I felt like God was keeping these things from me and thus denying me life, it suddenly dawned on me that the reason that God was keeping these things from me was because they could not give me that life! You see, I had become an idolater without even knowing it. After thinking I had gotten it through my thick head the other day that life in all its abundance was not possible this side of Heaven, I was back at it—once again seeking to find the fullness of life in things like a job, a wife, an image, and on and on and on. There was still a part of me that believed I could have it—life in all its grandeur—if I could just have this ministry, this person, this experience, this you name it. The problem for me, like Eldredge, was I wasn’t simply going to possess these things, I was going to worship them.

Suddenly, in a matter of seconds, the months and years of buildup of a hardness of heart toward God for His denying me these things melted away when I realized that God was not denying me, but saving me! He was saving me from a lifestyle of idolatry where I’d turn to other gods to find life (and fail) instead of the true God who is the Source of all Life.

It's like the lessons of the book are being worked out in my everyday life. I have had a sense of peace and relief since that moment that I haven't had in years. My practical atheism died hard today as God brought me in humble repentance to a place where I realized, finally, just as I had talked about and preached on so many times, that the true life that my heart seeks is only found in a love relationship with Him. I can finally stop looking for abundant life, for I already possess it!